regression and the {my} heart


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Questions for myself:

When did I become so impatient for the Lord to work in my life?

Why is sin so enticing when it has failed me endlessly?

How did I let myself lose so much?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the questions that lie idly in my heart tonight. I feel especially disturbed at how long I continuously allowed complacency to satisfy my needs. Like a stood up date, I sit by a window, watching rain drift down the glass. I check my watch, waiting for time, waiting for the world to show up in my life. I wait for the world as if it has been able to heal me in the past…. I wait for the world to heal me, as if the world was God. 

Take a moment and put yourself in the shoes of a fickle-hearted, messy person like me. Maybe you, yourself could even place yourself in that category. Maybe not. Imagine yourself, pacifying your deepest human longings…perhaps even sutures of your past that leave you dismantled to the earth’s wrath… imagine caulking these spaces with dependency on people. Think, you are at peace, you are made whole, you are renewed, you are….. a complete equilibrium only when people treat you in a perfect, satisfactory fashion.

I have never experienced that exact balance, even with the wonderful, God-loving people in my life. But yet, I scour the earth in that exact pursuit. The thing is, I don’t feel the entirety of who God says I am, when I am partly believing in His truth, but mostly reliant in their truth. 

And that’s how, gracefully, He has made this world forever sanctified. Recognition of our darkness, to understand He is our only light.

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